Thank you for that beautiful musical number.
When I was assigned to give a devotional on April 1st, I was pretty sure it was a sophisticated April Fools' prank. And I would show up to an empty building. As we now know, it wasn’t a joke. I am glad you are here and even more grateful for the opportunity to speak to you.
What I’m going to talk about today is important. I pray the Spirit will teach, testify, and provide the courage you need to act based on what you feel today.
I graduated from BYU–Hawaii in 2013. So, I am kind of one-half generation ahead of many of you students.
I’m living President Nelson’s promise to the young adults of the Church when he said:
“I bless you to have the desire and strength to keep your covenants. As you do, I promise that you will experience spiritual growth, freedom from fear, and a confidence that you can scarcely imagine now. You will have the strength to have a positive influence far beyond your natural capacity. And I promise that your future will be more exhilarating than anything you can presently believe.” [1]
I can tell you that every word of this prophetic quote is true. My life has been happier and more exhilarating than anything I ever could have imagined. But it has little to do with me. I’ve kept my covenants and worked hard. But, I attribute the joy and impact I’ve experienced thus far, to marrying Kelsey and together having the courage to make inspired decisions.
Big Decisions
You are in the “Decade of Decision.” [2] You are making decisions about missionary service, careers, education, marriage, dating, and even parenting. Isn’t that wild?! Let’s just pause on that for a minute!
Much of the trajectory of the rest of your life is determined by the decisions you make here and now. I know it can feel daunting. That’s ok! This means you are moving forward with faith and letting God prevail in your life!
President Thomas S. Monson said, “Decisions determine destiny.” [3]
He expounded, “In order for us to make the correct decisions, courage is needed—the courage to say no when we should, the courage to say yes when that is appropriate, the courage to do the right thing because it is right.” [4]
Today, I want to talk about making courageous decisions using the revelatory pattern of studying it out and asking, then letting the Lord direct thy path.
We are going to apply these steps through the context of dating and marriage. That's why most of you are here.
For those of you who are already married, congrats! But guess what? You still have many big decisions ahead of you. One of the best parts of marriage is having a teammate who will receive revelation and ensure that together you are following God’s path. Both husband and wife have equal access to revelation. It can come in different ways. At times, we both received confirmation on a decision together. Other times Kels has received the guidance for our family, individually, and other times I have as well. We talk openly about these impressions, and when one of us starts to get distracted away from what’s important, the other person helps keep us on track.
Following the same steps outline below, we will give you and your spouse the confidence to make courageous decisions throughout your life as the Lord directs your path.
My Qualifications
So, what are my qualifications? Why am I qualified to talk to you about dating and marriage?
First, I consider myself a connoisseur of dating reality TV shows…They’re my guilty pleasure… Kels and I watch them together. It’s like a gratitude exercise for our marriage and also the Gospel. Seriously, as we watch these shows, it’s so evident how making and keeping our covenants is like a cheat code for life.
Second, I spend a lot of time speaking with you students, about your lives. Most of you have served missions and are excited about making your next covenant – which is marriage in the temple. But the challenges around dating and marriage are real. And you want to talk about it.
Finally, the only real qualification that matters, is that my marriage is the best thing in my life. Kels is my best friend and my eternal partner. I love her so much. We are a team. We laugh a lot! We aren’t perfect. But we apologize quickly and forgive freely. We are equal partners, and we make decisions together. Our children have brought us eternal joy that is impossible to express. Through ups and downs, I can unironically say that Kels and I have experienced almost 14 years of marital bliss. I so deeply want each of you to experience what we have.
Dating and Marriage
One of the reasons BYU–Hawaii was established was to bring together couples who will live and lead in Asia and the Pacific. This is a great place to look for an eternal partner.
But it’s important to note, there are significant differences in how dating and courtship happen around the world. There are many opportunities for misunderstanding. You need to have some awareness of some of these differences.
For example, in many cultures, parents are heavily involved in the dating process. The parents do the “studying” to try to match their child with families who seem like a good fit. Fortunately (or unfortunately for some), that’s not how it works here at BYU–Hawaii, and most of you are thousands of miles away from your family. This is further evidence of the confidence the Lord has in you; He puts your agency at the center of the biggest decision of your life.
But you’re going to have to muster up some courage to put yourself out there and most likely face some rejection along the way. But there are things you can do to prevent embarrassing yourself too much.
Effective and frequent communication is the key to limiting cultural and other misunderstandings. This is especially true when it comes to physical interactions. In last year’s devotional, President Kauwe spoke clearly about communication and its relationship to consent when he said:
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“Seeking affirmative consent is a natural outcome of good communication and Christ-like treatment of others. Affirmative consent protects each of us from a variety of harmful outcomes.” [5]
“Affirmative consent must be informed, voluntary, and active, meaning that, through the demonstration of clear words or actions, a person has indicated permission to engage in mutually agreed-upon physical interaction. The absence of a “no” does not mean “yes” and consent on one occasion does not mean consent can be assumed from that time forth.” [6]
This idea of consent also applies to non-physical interactions. So, everyone, please recognize most grand gestures in romantic comedies would be considered creepy and out of touch in the real world.
I also want to point out that the marriage decision is a mutual decision. It doesn’t matter how good you feel about it. Telling someone that they should marry you because you received revelation, for them, doesn’t follow the Lord’s patterns of revelation or consent. If it’s not right for your partner, it’s not right for anyone. You need to respect their agency.
The good news is, if you follow the dating advice outlined in the Kauwe’s talk, you can avoid many of these situations.
Study it out, then ask: Principle
All right, let’s get to the first part of the process – studying it out and then asking.
In Doctrine and Covenants section 9, the Savior teaches, “...that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right.” [7]
Why does the Lord want us to study it out before asking? Why wouldn’t the Lord just tell us what to do?
President Nelson has taught, “The Lord loves effort, because effort brings rewards that can’t come without it.” [8]
Studying things out in our minds requires gathering good information and trying to decipher what will have real significance. We can’t understand the full impact of each decision we make in mortality, but truly exercising our agency requires us to understand the possible consequences of our decisions. Courageous decisions are made with the best information we have available.
I know this can be overwhelming. At times, we all fall into the habit of delaying the work of studying things out. It’s because we are afraid of working hard for something and then having it fail. It’s natural. But Satan uses this fear of failure to prevent us from thinking long-term, planning, and working toward goals.
When we ask the Lord for revelation regarding significant life decisions, we should be able to express our desires and plans, using our best thinking.
Study it out, then ask: Application
So, let’s talk about how we can apply the first step of “Studying it out and Asking” to making courageous decisions in the context of dating and marriage.
To be clear, this is very important. Being courageous in your marriage decision doesn’t mean you marry a person you hardly know. You need to “study this one out.
How do we “study things out” with a marriage decision?” Well, you date!
President Dallin H Oaks said, “Simple and more frequent dates allow both men and women to ‘shop around’ in a way that allows extensive evaluation of the prospects.” [9]
You got to put yourself out there. Dating may feel like a constant failure. The good news is, it only needs to work once!
As I mentioned, I spend a lot of time talking with students on campus. Want to know what’s funny? You are all saying the same thing, it’s some version of “we need to change the dating culture on campus.”
You say that the expectations for a first date are too high. You feel like asking someone on a date is perceived to be a big commitment.
Sister Kauwe addressed this in last year’s devotional,
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“Dating is fun, don’t ruin it for each other by making too much out of a single date. You can learn something from and even enjoy going on a date with someone who you don’t envision as your eternal partner. That being said, it is very reasonable to go on one date with someone and know very clearly that “one date was more than enough.” [10]
Funny story about first dates, Kels had a rule that she would always say “yes” to a first date if it was a safe environment.
We met in Sunday School. And when I asked her out, she said yes. But she was not really interested in me. In fact, she was interested in one of my friends; even better, we were going on a double date with the dude she was interested in. I realized, shortly into the date, that there was no love in the air… at least directed at me.
In fact, by the end, I knew she was interested in him. I vividly remember walking back after dropping her off at her door, I was a polite gentleman.I dropped her off at her door, walked away, and vividly remember thinking, “I am never taking her out again”.
Now, rejection doesn’t feel great. But I respected her choice and had the courage to move on. I went on a date with someone else later that week and dated various people over the following weeks. During this time, Kels saw who I was from a distance, and her view changed. While sitting in a Sunday School class I was teaching, she realized she was interested in me. It’s funny; we made eye contact, and we both knew the exact moment her mind changed, and I thought to myself, she wants me? and I was so confused. But I was like she already rejected me, I'm not going to try again; it's done.
A couple of days later, she had the courage to actually reach out to me, and she had a funny text. She then asked for help with her Spanish class. So, for our first good date, I helped her with her homework, Spanish was the only class I was qualified to help her with. We played a card game, and then we got some 99-cent bean and cheese burritos… I know what you are all thinking… romance!
I know this is a silly story. But during a less mature time in our lives, I would have harbored ill feelings towards her, or she may not have had the courage to reach out and make her interest clear. If either of us had treated our failed first date as a dealbreaker, we would not be here today. So, everyone, stop putting so much pressure on yourselves!
Study it out, then ask: Invitation
I invite all the single men to have some courage and shoot your shot! Do some “studying” this weekend by asking someone on a date. Ladies, if someone asks you on a date, it doesn’t mean that he’s obsessed or in love with you. He hasn’t already picked out the flower arrangement for your wedding and put his name on the TVA waitlist. Actually… he may be on the TVA waitlist, but as long as he didn’t put your name on the list, it's not creepy; that's just confidence.
Ladies, I invite you to do what Kels did after she realized she changed her mind about me. Have the confidence to express interest in someone and give them an excuse to spend time with you. The gentlemen are desperately looking for hints.
Now for both of you, I realize this requires putting yourself out there a little bit. This will probably lead to some temporary disappointment as the next person you are interested in may not be your eternal companion. But these are the steps that we all go through. And it will be worth it, I promise!
Let the Lord Direct thy Paths: Principle
Now that we’ve studied out a decision and asked. What do we do next?
In Proverbs, we are taught, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” [11]
So, one scripture tells us to study it out in our minds, to develop an understanding, then another tells us to lean not on our own understanding. Here, we have two things that are seemingly at odds, but both are true.
When we follow the process of studying things and asking with the intention of following, we position ourselves to receive powerful revelation.
After you are married, you can use this same framework with your spouse. In my experience, when Kels and I have the courage to follow promptings that seem illogical or don’t align with what we want, (meaning they aren't in line with our own understanding) it means the Lord has blessings in store for us, that we couldn’t imagine. Please follow these promptings; the Lord knows better, I promise!
Let the Lord Direct thy Paths: Application
So let’s apply this principle!
I know, for some people, “studying things out” is the hard part. But for others, having the confidence to trust the Lord and advance toward marriage requires more courage. I hope you can see the joy that comes from eternal marriages built on Christlike love and partnership. You have the agenc to create this type of marriage, but happy marriages don’t start by marrying a perfect person.
As Richard G. Scott said, “You will likely not find that perfect person, and if you did, there would certainly be no interest in you. These attributes are best polished together as husband and wife.” [12]
I can tell you; this is true. Neither Kels nor I married a perfect person.
The reality is, Kels is not the same person I married. She’s better, wiser, more confident, and a better communicator. I think she would say I am less stubborn, more patient, and much better at letting her sleep in on weekends. We are perfecting each other by prioritizing the other’s happiness and focusing on repenting daily and improving ourselves.
Happy marriages aren’t built on a foundation of competitive perfectionism but in mutual support with the goal of elevating each other.
So, let’s say that you’ve studied things out! You have dated various people, and you’ve found someone who seems to have many of the qualities you are looking for.
- They are kind
- They keep their covenants and commitments
- They admit their mistakes and apologize
- They communicate
- They choose happiness
- There is physical attraction
- And they genuinely like you
That’s an important one, for real! You both need to genuinely like each other!
It’s great! You have identified someone who “could” work. But you understand the eternal nature of the commitment. It can all feel a little bit overwhelming.
I can remember these feelings like it was yesterday. Kels and I had been dating for a few months. I knew she was special. But I felt overwhelmed. I felt like I had too many decisions to make at once. I was planning on transferring schools and moving. We had talked about breaking things off soon. Then, Kels wrote me this note. It’s become my most prized possession. It was written with the context that our relationship was probably coming to an end. She said a lot of nice things. The thing that stood out was that she said she could see how the gospel brought joy into my life, and she wanted a life built on that. She didn’t ask me to marry her, but I knew how she felt.
It was a wake-up call for me. This letter gave me enough information to take this decision to the Lord for an answer.
But how do we know if our prayers are being answered?
The Lord answers our prayers in one of three ways:
- If it’s right, you may feel peace, comfort, or assurance. When this happens, we should proceed with faith!
- If you feel unsettled or experience a stupor of thought, the Spirit is trying to tell you not to move forward, no matter how much you may want to. If this is the answer to your prayers, please listen to it. Don’t delay. I know that it may feel difficult, embarrassing, or even heartbreaking, but you have the answer. The Lord has something greater in store. Let Him direct your path.
- And most perplexing, sometimes we feel nothing.
When this third option happens, it can feel frustrating. We may feel unsure what to do next. Elder Richard G. Scott said:
“What do you do when you have prepared carefully, have prayed fervently, waited a reasonable time for a response, and still do not feel an answer? You may want to express thanks when that occurs, for it is evidence of His trust. When you are living worthily and your choice is consistent with the Savior’s teachings and you need to act, proceed with trust. As you are sensitive to the promptings of the Spirit, one of two things will certainly occur at the appropriate time: either the stupor of thought will come, indicating an improper choice, or the peace or the burning in the bosom will be felt, confirming that your choice was correct. When you are living righteously and are acting with trust, God will not let you proceed too far without a warning impression if you have made the wrong decision.” [13]
Elder Scott invites us to proceed with trust, based on the righteous desires of our hearts. Over time, we will get confirmation, one way or another.
I have a testimony that the Lord answers prayers. He wants to direct our path, but he also wants us to develop our agency. If he gave us immediate answers to every prayer, we would not be developing our agency.
Let the Lord Direct thy Paths: Invitation
If you have “Studied things out and asked” I invite you to have the courage to “[Let the Lord] Direct thy path”. [14] Proceed with faith! Remember, you may not get the positive answer as quickly as you think. But if it is right, it will come. Now, if you experience a stupor of thought, or you feel unsettled, please end it quickly!
I realize being this direct may make me unpopular with a few heartbroken people this weekend. I’m sorry. But it’s because I love you. I know the Lord has something better in store for you.
Conclusion
In closing, I want to quote President Nelson, who said, “God has revealed the eternal nature of celestial marriage and the family as the source of our greatest joy.” [15]
This type of joy is eternal. Kels, Maverick, and Finley are my greatest joy. I know this happiness is possible because of my Savior. I know that as we follow the pattern of courageously “studying it out and asking”, then “letting the Lord direct thy path” the Lord will guide “your future to be more exhilarating than anything you can presently believe”. [16] I love you, and I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
Notes:
[1] Russell M. Nelson, “Choices for Eternity”, [worldwide devotional for young adults, May 15, 2022], Gospel Library
[2] Robert D. Hales, “To the Aaronic Priesthood: Preparing for the Decade of Decision,” Ensign or Liahona, April 2007, 48
[3] Thomas S. Monson, “Decisions Determine Destiny” [Brigham Young University devotional, November 6, 2005], speeches.byu.edu
[4] Thomas S. Monson, “Be Strong and of a Good Courage,” Ensign or Liahona, April 2014, 66
[5] Monica S. Kauwe & John S.K. Kauwe III, “Dating and Marriage: Let’s Talk!” [Brigham Young University–Hawaii devotional, May 7, 2024], speeches.byuh.edu
[6] Monica S. Kauwe & John S.K. Kauwe III, “Dating and Marriage: Let’s Talk!” [Brigham Young University–Hawaii devotional, May 7, 2024], speeches.byuh.edu
[7] Doctrine and Covenants 9:7-8
[8] Joy D. Jones, “An Especially Noble Calling,” Ensign or Liahona, April 2020, 16
[9] Dallin H. Oaks, “Dating versus Hanging Out” [Church Educational System fireside for young adults, May 1, 2005], Gospel Library
[10] Monica S. Kauwe & John S.K. Kauwe III, “Dating and Marriage: Let’s Talk!” [Brigham Young University–Hawaii devotional, May 7, 2024], speeches.byuh.edu
[11] Proverbs 3:5-6
[12] Richard G. Scott, “Receive the Temple Blessings,” Ensign or Liahona, April 1999, 26
[13] Richard G. Scott, “Using the Supernal Gift of Prayer,” Ensign or Liahona, May 2007, 10
[14] Proverbs 3:5-6
[15] Russell M. Nelson, “’Set in Order Thy House’,” Ensign or Liahona, October 2001, 71
[16] Russell M. Nelson, “Choices for Eternity”, [worldwide devotional for young adults, May 15, 2022], Gospel Library