Keoni
Brothers and sisters, Aloha mai kakou.
We're so grateful for each of you being here, we are delighted to be here at Devotional with you. We're thankful to have our daughter, Mealani, play for us all this morning. We're proud of her, the hard work she puts into every aspect of her life, and we want her to know how much we love her. We also testify to you that He did send His Son for us. Our Heavenly Father sent His Son, Jesus Christ, and we're so grateful for that.
Thank you for being here, whether in the auditorium or the ballroom, to share this time together. We know the CAC construction is inconvenient; it ties up our campus resources and requires many adjustments. This project and many others to follow will demand change and sacrifice from us, but they will prepare BYU–Hawaii for a bright and exciting future. We're grateful for your patience now and for several years moving forward as we invest in the future of the university.
We extend a warm welcome to the 226 new students who joined us this spring semester and many of you returning back from missions and those who have been with us all along. We love each of you, we are grateful to have you here, we hope you will make every effort to grow spiritually and intellectually in the coming months and years. The spring semester is short and intense, so stay on top of your courses, remain focused, take care of yourself physically—aim for six to eight hours of sleep, stay active, and make healthy choices in the Banyan Dining Hall. It's possible, you can do it. We also hope you’ll take advantage of the incredible social environment here at BYU–Hawaii. Go out on dates! If you’re married, we expect you to keep dating and to nurture that eternal relationship with all your might, mind, and strength.
As participants in God’s plan of happiness, we seek to make sacred covenants with God and strive to honor them. The sealing ordinance and the eternal families it creates are a fundamental characteristic of God’s plan of salvation. Today, we want to talk to you about the important role of Christlike communication in all our relationships, especially in dating and marriage. And we want you to bear with us, we are going to use a lot of personal stories today.
When it comes to how we treat others and how we communicate with them, President Nelson has taught us the standard, he said,
“The Savior’s message is clear: His true disciples build, lift, encourage, persuade, and inspire—no matter how difficult the situation. True disciples of Jesus Christ are peacemakers....
My dear brothers and sisters, how we treat each other really matters! How we speak to and about others at home, at church, at work, and online really matters. Today, I am asking us to interact with others in a higher, holier way. Please listen carefully. 'If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy' that we can say about another person—whether to his face or behind her back—that should be our standard of communication.” [1] Such important words from our living prophet.
Monica
One of Christ’s most profound teachings is that we should “love one another, as I have loved you”. [2] But how can we truly love one another if we don’t understand each other? Whether you’re just starting to date, or you’ve been married for years, the ability to talk openly, listen carefully, and understand each other’s needs is essential.
Keoni and I first met in November of 2001. I had gone to school with his cousin Amy, and we were part of the same friend group. Keoni had spent time with Amy and our mutual friends before leaving on his mission, but somehow, we never met during that time.
One afternoon, I was sitting with Amy and several of our friends. During the conversation, Amy casually mentioned that her cousin Keoni had returned from his mission. She then suggested that I should go out with him. I was surprised—because I had no idea who Keoni was! Amy and the others were shocked that I didn’t know him, but they quickly filled me in. From what they said, he sounded like someone I’d want to meet.
Amy suggested we meet up, so we went to a devotional together, and after that, we hung out in groups two more times. I clearly remember one night, after he dropped me off at home, being really struck by the way he spoke about his mission. It wasn’t just a recounting of experiences—he spoke with real love and longing, which left a lasting impression on me.
So, although Keoni had my phone number, things just kind of fizzled out. Looking back, I’m not sure what happened exactly, but we were both busy, and maybe the timing wasn’t right for anything to develop.
Or maybe Keoni has a better explanation?
Keoni
Ummm…yeah…I'm just going to go with timing…I'm going to go with timing.
Monica
Several months later, I had gotten back into distance running and was preparing for the Top of Utah Marathon. My friend Tiffany and I had decided to run a 10K race in Provo as part of our training. However, Tiffany had gotten engaged and decided not to continue training for the full marathon, so I was left without a training partner.
Keoni
So, for reasons I can only ascribe to divine intervention, I woke up very early on the fourth of July of 2002. I immediately had a strong prompting that I should run the 10K race in Provo that morning, even though I hadn’t registered for it. So I walked, I went over to the race, I showed up early, I registered at the race, and I walked to the starting line. Almost immediately, as I approached the starting line, I saw Monica and her friend Tiffany. I walked up behind and said, “Monica and Tiffany!” We chatted briefly about running, and I found out that Monica had signed up for the same Top of Utah Marathon that I had signed up for and that she was training, just like me, and that just like me, her training partner had bailed out on her.
So, after the race, I saw some of Monica’s other friends waiting for her to finish and made sure I had the right phone number for her. I was excited that we had reconnected and was looking forward to seeing her again. The next day, I called Monica and asked her out on a date.
Monica
And…I told him no.
I didn’t want to say no. In fact, right after I told him, I talked to my mom about how difficult it was to turn him down. The truth was, I had been dating someone else, and while that relationship was clearly coming to an end, it hadn’t officially ended yet. It wouldn’t have been appropriate for me to go on a date with Keoni until I had fully resolved things with the other guy. So, I ended things and, soon after, decided to call Keoni and ask if he wanted to go running with me.
I figured that by suggesting we run together, Keoni would get the hint that I was no longer seeing anyone and that I was interested in him.
Keoni
And, she couldn’t have been more wrong. I was still a bit embarrassed that she had told me "no". I thought she was interested! And I wasn’t about to risk looking or feeling stupid again.
Monica
He didn’t pick up on any clues or signals that I was now available and interested. Running together, in his mind, was just running. He kept our time together focused only on that.
We hadn’t even been on a date yet, and we were already facing challenges with communication!
It took a few weeks for me to finally work into the conversation that I no longer had a boyfriend, hoping that he would understand that he could now ask me out.
Shortly after that conversation, I went on a family vacation. Upon returning, I was excited to call Keoni to see if he wanted to go running the next day. He said yes, and in that same phone call, he asked me out on a date for that weekend!
Looking back, it’s clear that we both had some miscommunication. I thought I was dropping hints, but Keoni wasn’t picking up on them. This experience taught us a valuable lesson.
Say what you mean; don’t assume the other person is filling in the gaps with correct information. They are filling in the gaps, but most likely with the wrong information.
Keoni
Now, we did do some things right in our communication. As we started to run together more, we ran hundreds of miles side by side, and that gave us uninterrupted time to talk, and those long runs quickly became a space for deep, meaningful conversations. With no distractions, we connected on a level that went beyond the surface, exploring topics that really mattered to both of us.
Our conversations naturally covered things like family, values, goals, hobbies and shared interests. But we also dove into the bigger questions: what we envisioned for our futures, how we viewed marriage roles and parenting, our educational and career plans, and where we imagined living. We talked about managing family finances, how many kids we hoped to have, and how we’d raise them. These early discussions laid a strong foundation of communication and understanding—something that continued to strengthen our relationship over time.
Monica
And here is another lesson, plan engaging, fun activities that allow for conversation, shared experiences, and opportunities to see each other in a variety of settings. Watching a movie together, while enjoyable, doesn’t offer much room for interaction—it's not the most effective choice for a date, especially early on. There are many creative options out there, consider asking AI for ideas if you and your friends are struggling to come up with plans.
Keoni
That's not a joke, I tried it. Give it a shot, some good ideas there.
Monica
Communication must keep improving as you date and move toward marriage. Early on in our relationship, I noticed that Keoni had stopped opening the car door for me. Now I know that might seem like a small thing, but to me, it wasn’t. That gesture made me feel respected, valued, and special. So, when it stopped, I started to feel a little hurt. I didn’t say anything, but I noticed, and it bothered me.
After about a week, Keoni could tell something was off. One night after a date, he gently asked me what was wrong. I struggled to put my feelings into words, so it took me a while to finally open up. When I did, I told him how much it meant to me when he opened the door and how I had missed that small gesture.
Keoni
I was surprised. I told her, “I am so sorry! I thought you didn’t want me to do it anymore, because you always got to the door first and just opened it and got in before I got there. I'm so sorry!” Once we talked it through and I understood how she felt about things and understood her perspective, everything felt better.
The lesson we learned from this experience is that little things can grow into bigger issues if we’re not willing to communicate openly and honestly. So, if something “little” is causing growing tension or concern in your relationship, it needs to be addressed as soon as is practical. Addressing it will most likely require sincere apologies and forgiveness on the part of one or both of you. Please note that addressing something is different than resolving it completely. You may not be able to resolve every concern in one conversation; sometimes you need a good night’s rest and some additional time to work through a challenge.
As President Jean B. Bingham has reminded us, “Unity is essential to the divine work we are privileged and called to do, but it doesn’t just happen. It takes effort and time to really counsel together—to listen to one another, understand others’ viewpoints, and share experiences…” [3]
Monica
After about two months of dating, Keoni and I decided to date exclusively. By November, three months later, I already knew—I wanted to marry him.
One day, while we were talking, Keoni shared a story about friends who had dated long distance for three years while attending colleges in different states. After he told me the story, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. At the time, Keoni was planning to begin a PhD program the next year, and I assumed he brought up that story to hint that he wanted us to do long distance too. I did not want that. He never actually said that—but I couldn’t shake the worry.
Over the next few days—maybe a week—I felt frustrated, anxious, and upset. Eventually, I knew I had to talk to him about it. I was scared because I didn’t know what he’d say, I didn't want him to break my heart. I ended up calling Keoni in tears and told him that we needed to talk.
He came to pick me up, and we drove to the Provo temple grounds. We sat down on the grass, and the first thing I said was, “Do you see yourself marrying me?”
Keoni
I was so relieved. I thought she was going to break up with me, and I had no idea why. I thought things were going great! So, without hesitation, I said, “Well, yes. That’s why we’re still dating—because that’s where we’re headed, right?”
Monica
So we counseled together. I told him I didn’t want to date long distance like his friends had, and he immediately said, “Oh, I don’t either.” I explained that I thought the story he shared meant he was preparing me for that kind of relationship. He reassured me, “No, I was just telling you about my friends.”
Then I asked, “So… we are getting married?” And he said, “Yes.” It was settled.
I had spent days feeling anxious, assuming things, and bracing myself for disappointment—all because I was too afraid to ask. But the moment I finally spoke up, everything shifted. Just a few honest, reassuring words from him brought immediate peace.
That conversation turned out to be a turning point for me. I realized how open and willing Keoni was to communicate, to listen, and to work through things together. I realized that with him, I didn’t have to hold back or be afraid to share what I was truly feeling. I felt understood, trusted, safe, and loved.
Keoni
This was a turning point for me too! I had assumed that Monica knew what I meant when I told her about my friends, I assumed that she knew how I felt about our future together, but I hadn’t made either of those things clear in my communication. I began to understand how Monica acted when something was bothering her. I realized that when we were talking that, I needed to listen patiently to hear what was on her mind, and that she would actually need quite a bit of time with me, sitting quietly, before she was ready to share her thoughts.
Monica
The lesson we learned from this is that you must trust your partner and share your real feelings with each other.
President Dallin H. Oaks taught:
“Trust is to human relationships what faith is to gospel living. It is the beginning place, the foundation upon which more can be built. Where trust is, love can flourish.” [4]
Keoni
Over the years, I have learned something very important about communication in relationships that I want to share. In many relationships one of you is the “problem solver.” And if you are the problem solver, you can create more love and unity by inserting a simple question early into important conversations, “Are you telling me this because you want me to suggest solutions? Or do you need me to listen so that you feel heard and understood, and that's really it?” It took me far too many years to realize that my constant suggestions weren’t what Monica needed; I could be a better partner by just listening, showing understanding and sympathy, sharing encouragement, and being present.
Monica
I am deeply grateful that Keoni figured this out, after just 22 years together! HA! I hope by sharing this, he has sped up the learning curve for some of you listening today.
This leads to our next lesson: dating is communication!
Dating is not just about spending time together—it’s about discovering whether your lives, values, and goals align. That requires effective communication. On early dates, talk about meaningful topics: faith, family, values, goals, and interests. Listen to and watch how the person you are dating handles stress, treats strangers, and interacts with their family.
Keoni
As you are preparing for marriage, you should talk about more serious and challenging topics. An article from the Gospel Library provides prompts to discuss several important questions you should discuss before marriage like, “How do they feel about Jesus Christ and the gospel? About the temple? How do they spend their Sabbath?” and, “Have they ever struggled with some kind of addiction to or habitual use of things like prescription pills or other drugs, pornography, alcohol, or even video games? And if so, what have they done to overcome it?”[5] I would encourage you, if you're in a relationship, to read this article together; you can find a link at dating.byuh.edu.
These conversations are not always easy, but they can either lay the foundation for a strong, united future in your relationship or offer you the clarity you need to know that the relationship you're in may not be right for marriage.
Monica
Consent is another important aspect of communication in relationships. Affirmative consent must be informed, voluntary, and active. This means that through clear words or actions, a person indicates permission to engage in mutually agreed-upon physical interaction. The absence of a “no” does not mean “yes” and consent on one occasion does not constitute consent for future interactions. Seeking affirmative consent is a natural outcome of good communication and Christ-like treatment of others. It also protects each of us from a variety of harmful outcomes.
Keoni
In marriage, unity is paramount. Unity in marriage means you support each other, make decisions together, and face challenges as one. Strong communication is vital to creating and maintaining that unity.
Each person in a relationship has unique experiences, background, and strengths and weaknesses in communication. Therefore, it takes sincere effort from each of them to build what is needed for unity in a family.
Elder Marvin J. Ashton of the Quorum of the Twelve taught, “I pray our Heavenly Father will help us to communicate more effectively in the home through a willingness to sacrifice, a willingness to listen, a willingness to vocalize feelings, a willingness to avoid judgment, a willingness to maintain confidences, and a willingness to practice patience. … Communication can help build family unity if we will work at it and sacrifice for it.” [6]
Monica
When Keoni and I got married, we hoped to have children right away, but things didn’t go as planned. It took us three and a half years to have our first child. During those years, we had many tearful nights, but we got through it together by talking openly, leaning on each other, and offering constant support. Eventually, we were blessed with Sai, and then four more healthy and wonderful children. We love them and are so grateful to be their parents.
Seeking revelation for God is vital—not only for your personal spiritual growth but also for the success of your marriage and family. We’ve found that strong communication and unity have been great blessings as we’ve developed a pattern for seeking revelation together. Following the Lord’s direction in Doctrine and Covenants 9:8–9, we begin by studying and pondering individually, then come together to discuss our thoughts and options. Once we’ve reached what we feel is our best decision, we take it to God in prayer—together. [7]
One of us prays out loud, explaining the decision we've come to and the reasoning behind it. That person then asks God if the decision is right and whether we should move forward. After the prayer, we sit quietly and listen for the promptings of the Spirit—sometimes for several minutes. When a prompting comes, the person voicing the prayer thanks God for the opportunity to seek and receive revelation and closes the prayer. We then talk about what we each felt. If the prompting is clear and neutral, we move forward with faith. If we feel a “stupor of thought,” we consider other options and repeat the process.
Whether you’re married, engaged, or dating, this pattern can help you seek and receive revelation together. If you follow it sincerely, you will be blessed as God guides your life towards a meaningful and exhilarating future.
Keoni
We have also learned the importance of being unified and working together to bring priesthood authority and power into our family. When we were scheduling Sai’s baby blessing, we received wise advice from a dear friend. They suggested I sit down with Monica before the blessing and prayerfully discuss the promptings we each were feeling about the Lord’s desires for Sai’s life and future. We took that advice, and it was a wonderful experience. Preparing together to exercise priesthood power in our family brought peace and purpose to the blessing and increased unity in our marriage. Since then, we've made this a consistent practice. Living righteously in unity invites divine power. As you make spiritual decisions and exercise priesthood authority together, you will find joy, revelation, and peace through God’s power and mercy.
Monica
Even after years of marriage, constant and loving communication remains just as important—if not more. We’ve learned to recognize when an issue needs to be addressed and when it’s something we can let go. We’ve talked through many complex challenges, including changing career paths, serious health challenges with us and our children, difficult family situations, big financial decisions, and the loss of loved ones. The unity that comes from strong communication has blessed us in every one of these situations and given us confidence that we can face anything together.
This brings us to a key lesson: Communication creates love and unity, invites revelation from the Holy Ghost, and brings power from God to guide your family through both blessings and trials.
As President Nelson taught, “Good communication includes taking time to plan together. Couples need private time to observe, to talk, and really listen to each other. They need to cooperate—helping each other as equal partners…They should strive to elevate and motivate each other. Marital unity is sustained when goals are mutually understood. Good communication is also enhanced by prayer. To pray with specific mention of a spouse’s good deed (or need) nurtures a marriage”. [8]
Keoni
Okay. We've told you a few of our stories. We hope you were entertained. Also that you learned something about the importance of communication in dating and marriage. Learned from both what we did well and what we didn't. It might be also helpful to point out how important timing was in our relationship. We were first introduced months before we reconnected for our first date, and looking back, it's clear we weren't ready to start a relationship when we first met. And that's OK. We hope as you date and look for an eternal companion, you will be patient and thoughtful; and follow the promptings of the Spirit.
Monica
We hope you also see from the stories we shared today that our relationship didn't become what it is just because we “found each other.”
Elder Bednar teaches, “A marriage is an opportunity to create the home and the happiness you hope to have. You create it, you don’t find it.” [9]
Today, we have a joyful marriage that enables us to navigate serious challenges, have incredible experiences, and serve others. We have this because we married each other with the desire and intent to work together with the Lord to build the family and the life that He desires for us. We have been blessed with additional power and mercy from God as we make and keep covenants together. I testify to you that marriage is part of God’s plan, a joyful part. I pray for your success in your schooling, your spiritual growth, and in your progression toward the sealing ordinance and the creation of your own joyful, celestial family.
Keoni
I share my simple testimony that God lives and you are His Child. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is real, and its saving power is infinite and eternal. It extends to you–and to each of us–individually. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was restored by the Prophet Joseph Smith and is currently led by another living prophet, Russell M. Nelson. I testify of their divine authority. In them lies the priesthood authority to bind families together for all eternity. I am deeply grateful for God’s plan, Christ’s Atonement, and the priesthood power in His Church on the earth today. I work, hope, and pray for your happiness, health, and success this coming semester. I love you, we love you, and share this testimony, and this message with you.
In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
Notes:
[1] Russell M. Nelson, “Peacemakers Needed,” Ensign or Liahona, April 2023, 100
[2] John 13:34
[3] Jean B. Bingham, “United in Accomplishing God’s work,” Ensign or Liahona, April 2020, 63
[4] Correction: Barbara B. Smith, "A Safe Place for Marriages and Families," Ensign, October 1981, 83
[5] “10 Things to Ask Your Future Spouse” [digital-only article], Liahona, June 2020, Gospel Library
[6] “Session Two: Communicating with Love,” Strengthening Marriage: Instructors Guide, Gospel Library, 21
[7] Doctrine and Covenants 9:8-9
[8] Russell M. Nelson, “Nurturing Marriage,” Ensign or Liahona, May 2006, 37-38
[9] David A. Bednar, “The Family is Ordained of God,” [Brigham Young University-Idaho Devotional, March 9, 2025] byui.edu/speeches