Sister and brothers, Aloha!
It is an honor to be a devotional speaker today.
I want to begin by acknowledging our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I know He lives and He loves us. I know He provided a way for us to return to our heavenly home to be with our eternal families. I know this life is not the end and I’m grateful that I can be with my loved ones forever.
I’m grateful for this opportunity that BYU–Hawaii has given me.
I haven’t met most of you, but I hope you can feel the love I have for you.
I work as a clinical counselor for Counseling Services here on campus. I have been privileged to meet and work with so many students. In Counseling Services we provide a confidential and caring place for students who are needing support, looking for help, and wanting a listening ear.
While preparing for this devotional, I contemplated the hundreds of appointments I’ve had with students here; most of them in my office during the day, some in small groups in various places on campus, and others during the late evening or in the tender early morning hours.
It is my honor to hold space for students in need. I know I have been blessed with the education, work experiences, and talent needed to be here at BYU–Hawaii at this time. I know the Lord is mindful of me and my family and has helped guide me to be here.
It is because of the work I have been involved in on this campus that I have felt impressed to speak about these topics today.
Please understand that the message I share comes from a place of love and desire to help and encourage you.
Today, my hope is to remind you that: We need each other; We can make new friends and be a better friend; And while we improve friendship and love to others, please remember to also show love to yourself.
One of my favorite hymns from our hymn book is “Lord, I Would Follow Thee.” [1]
This beautiful hymn teaches us that when we love others, we love our Savior, and we are following Him. Our Savior loves us and we know that. How can we be more like Him and help others feel His love? I think we can show and share His love through friendship.
We know the importance of an eternal family and celestial marriage. We know eternal marriage is ordained of God. Families are very important, and we also need good friends. As you prioritize your schooling to earn your degree and as you are dating to find your eternal companion, I hope you also have time to make and keep good friends.
In the New Testament in John 15:13 it reads, “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” [2] In the next two verses it continues with, “Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you. Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you.” [3]
These verses in the Bible are teaching us that our Savior had friends. He loved his friends so much that he would lay down his life for them.
When the Prophet Joseph Smith was in Liberty Jail, the Lord said to him in Doctrine and Covenants 121, “Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands. Thou art not yet as Job; thy friends do not contend against thee, neither charge thee with transgression, as they did Job.” [4]
The Prophet Joseph Smith had friends and he needed them during this very trying time.
Friendship is a social connection we all need.
Last year in 2023, the U.S. Surgeon General released an advisory titled, Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation. This publication called attention to the public health crisis of loneliness, isolation, and lack of connection in this country. As human beings it is important to have social connection in our lives. “Social connection is a fundamental human need, as essential to survival as food, water, and shelter.” [5] “Evidence across scientific disciplines converges on the conclusion that socially connected people live longer.” [6]
The World Health Organization also shared similar findings last year when they said, “Social isolation and loneliness affect people of all ages, worldwide.” [7]
Friendships are an important part of life for everyone. Developing and maintaining friendships will take effort. But that investment is worth it.
We were not put on this earth to live alone. We need good friends. Please remember that the skills that we develop in friendships can also be carried into healthy romantic relationships.
In a 1999 general conference talk, Elder Marlin K. Jensen stated, “Friendship is ... a vital and wonderful part of [dating] and marriage. A relationship between a man and a woman that begins with friendship and then ripens into romance and eventually marriage will usually become an enduring, eternal friendship.” [8]
The well-known psychologist and author John Gottman wrote the popular and effective book titled, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. In the beginning chapters of this book he tells us that, “At the heart of the seven principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company.” [9]
A foundation of friendship can improve our relationships. We need each other. We need friends, and we need to take time to become friends.
Our Savior has given us this simple commandment: “Love one another, as I have loved you.” [10]
How can we show love to others through friendship? What can we do today to love like our Savior did?
- Ask for help and ideas on how you can be a good friend through prayer.
- Look for small ways to show love and kindness to others in your day.
- Give others genuine praise or compliments.
- Reach out and check in with someone who is going through something difficult.
- Sit with someone who is alone or visit someone who might be lonely.
- Speak up for someone who is being treated unfairly.
Because of the availability and ease of technology, I know we are able to befriend anyone in the world who has access to be online. But we need face to face friends. We need friends here on this campus. As we strive to love others and make new friends, we also need to learn about them.
You students at BYU–Hawaii have the opportunity to learn with, work with, and live with so many others from all over the world. You have the privilege to be part of this culturally diverse campus. You each have such a unique experience to be surrounded by so much diversity and exposure to different cultures and languages. There are few places like this campus in the world.
We need to honor the diversity here and seek to learn about each other to better love one another. Honoring diversity is more than just accepting differences. It includes recognizing differences and appreciating them. We can learn about each other by asking questions to get to know others better. Have an open mind and be willing to learn something new.
It’s not easy to develop and maintain friendships, but the enjoyment and comfort friendship can provide can make the investment worthwhile. So where do we start? What are some ways to meet new friends?
If making new friends feels overwhelming, start small. Go to places where people are gathered and talk to someone new. Attend campus and ward activities and events. Look for service opportunities.
Or think about the people you might already know or have already met but would want to get to know them a little better. You can make friends by improving and strengthening existing connections. Maybe somebody you work with now or used to work with. Maybe someone you pass by every day on your way to class. Maybe someone you always see at Church, in the dining hall, or at the Fitness Center. Try a few strategies to meet new people and be persistent. Keep in mind that sometimes you will need to take the initiative instead of waiting for an invite. But please don't give up too easily.
Then what? What do you say to someone you don't know yet? How do you start a conversation with a stranger? I know this part can feel very intimidating, but you can do it! Maybe start by saying something nice about them or something nice about the environment or setting to use as a starting point. Lead with genuine curiosity. Ask about their weekend. Ask what game they like to play, or what they’re reading, or what kind of music they like to listen to. Ask for recommendations for activities, places to eat, or shows or movies to watch. Show interest, listen actively, and remember to introduce yourself.
We can all make room for a few more new friends. Please be kind to those who are trying to reach out. Have an open mind and heart. Allow room for new friendships to grow. Expand your social circle with new faces and welcome new social connections into your life.
In a 2013 general conference talk, Bishop Gérald Caussé shared, “In this Church there are no strangers and no outcasts. There are only brothers and sisters. The knowledge that we have of an Eternal Father helps us be more sensitive to the brotherhood and sisterhood that should exist among all men and women upon the earth.” [11]
Let’s not forget about the friends we have right now. How can we be a better friend to them and how do we sustain our current friendships? Reach out to them regularly and see how they are doing. Be a good listener. Show that you can be trusted. Make yourself available if you can. Be present when you are together. If you notice a friend isn't going to class, check on them and offer helpful suggestions. Be patient and kind. Tell your friends that you appreciate and love them. Give your friends compliments and celebrate their achievements. Pray for them. Ask for forgiveness when necessary.
Please stay away from gossip. Stop telling and retelling harmful and sometimes untrue things. Let us think the best of each other. Let us help and support each other.
An article titled “The Power of Friendship” in the April 2024 Liahona reminds us that “All of us need true friends to love us, to listen to us, to show us the way, and to testify of truth to us so that we may retain the companionship of the Holy Ghost.” [12]
Personally, I can testify of how friendship has been a blessing in my life. Having friends to share good news, bad news, and boring news with has made my life better. As a middle aged working mom, my friendships today look a lot different than they did when I was in college. But I’m grateful for old friends and new friends that have always been loving and supportive but also flexible and accommodating.
In the fall of 2018, I was living in the Bay Area of California, in the city of Menlo Park, with my husband and three children. My then very healthy 35-year-old husband unexpectedly got sick. He was soon diagnosed with brain cancer and underwent his first craniotomy during our kids’ school Christmas break. Families at our school found out and immediately created a calendar to provide help for us. For the next four months, which was until the end of the school year, friends from school were giving my kids rides to and from school and packing them lunch and snacks every day. That was the beginning of a long road for my family as the next four years were filled with two more craniotomies, multiple rounds of chemotherapy, a few rounds of radiation, two clinical trials, and everything in between. In 2022, after being married for 15 years, my sweet husband passed away. As I reflect back to those very hard and trying times, what stands out to me is the love and support we received from others. They were truly angels on earth for me and my children. I have so many examples of specific people who helped with a specific need right when I needed it. God heard my prayers, and He answered them through others. Because of them, I felt God’s love and it strengthened my testimony.
We may not always know how being a friend can change and affect someone else's life. We may not know what others are going through all the time. But the blessing of friendship can have a profound effect on others right when they need it. Being a good friend doesn't mean you need to do something big or spend a lot of time or money. You can still be a good friend in small simple ways.
As we love others, we must also show love to ourselves. As you freely give love, compassion and forgiveness to others, please remember to direct those same feelings to yourself.
Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf has reminded us that “God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not. And yet we spend so much time and energy comparing ourselves to others—usually comparing our weaknesses to their strengths. This drives us to create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. As a result, we never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does.”
Elder Uchtdorf continues, “Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. It’s wonderful that you have strengths. And it is part of your mortal experience that you do have weaknesses.
God wants to help us to eventually turn all of our weaknesses into strengths, but He knows that this is a long-term goal. He wants us to become perfect, and if we stay on the path of discipleship, one day we will. It’s OK that you’re not quite there yet. Keep working on it, but stop punishing yourself.” [13]
How can we stop comparing ourselves to others? How can we acknowledge our own struggles without judgment? How can we love ourselves a little better?
This is where self-compassion can help.
From the Stanford Medicine Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education, an article titled “The Scientific Benefits of Self-Compassion" it says:
“Many of us believe being self-critical and hard on ourselves is a good thing.
We mistakenly think that being competitive and pushing ourselves hard is required for success. Research, however, is proving these theories wrong. Most of us don’t stop to consider whether our self-critical and competitive attitude[s] are helping us achieve our goals. We don’t realize that they are actually standing in our way…
Though the term ‘self-compassion’ may sound like self-indulgence or may feel like a weakness, it is actually the secret to resilience, strength in the face of failure, the ability to learn from mistakes and to bounce back with greater enthusiasm.
Self-compassion involves treating oneself as one would a friend, being more mindful, and understanding our situation in the context of a larger human experience. When we can be more understanding and gentle with ourselves, identify less with the emotions that surround our mistakes, and understand that failure is a normal part of the larger human experience, we become stronger and more successful in the long run. We become stronger and more resilient.” [14]
The way you speak and treat yourself matters.
Think about that.
How do you treat yourself when you make a mistake?
How do you speak to yourself when you experience uncomfortable and sometimes negative experiences or emotions?
You deserve the gentle kindness you freely give to others.
The next time you are going through something difficult, ask yourself:
- What would I say to someone I loved if they were struggling with this?
- How would I talk to my best friend right now?
- What words would I use and what kind of tone of voice would I use if I was speaking to a family member that I loved or to a good friend who was suffering?
- How would I show up for a good friend?
A few other simple ideas on how we can all improve self-compassion:
- Take care of your physical body. Get enough rest at night. Your body needs sleep, and I know that most college students are not getting enough. Please make time to rest.
- Eat something healthy and drink enough water.
- Notice where you hold tension in your body when you are feeling stressed. Comfort that area. Stretch or massage your own neck, feet, or hands.
- If possible, go outside. Breathe fresh air. Touch grass. Take a walk. When you do something to improve how you feel physically, you are giving yourself self-compassion.
Set goals and push yourself to reach them, but know yourself and know your limits.
President Gordon B. Hinckley taught “Just do the best you can, but be sure it is your very best.” [15]
He also said: “Please don’t nag yourself with thoughts of failure. Do not set goals far beyond your capacity to achieve. Simply do what you can do, in the best way you know, and the Lord will accept of your effort.” [16]
The next time you make a mistake, please try to give yourself compassion and talk to yourself like a good friend would.
CLOSING
I hope you enjoy your time here as a student at BYU–Hawaii. I hope you create memories that last a lifetime. I hope you work hard and achieve the goals you have set for yourself. I know there will be challenges and setbacks. I know the unexpected can happen and the plans we make can change. I know life can be hard but remember you are stronger than you realize.
We will all experience moments of confusion, sadness, frustration, heartbreak, grief, and disconnect. That is part of life. But we know, “He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds. He telleth the number of the stars; he calleth them all by their names. Great is our Lord, and of great power: his understanding is infinite.” [17]
Christ is our friend. He is our perfect friend. He will always be there.
Please be a good friend and make new friends. Lift each other up. If you are struggling with your emotional health, please talk with someone. Tell a friend, a family member, a professor, or come see us at Counseling Services.
Please don't give up.
In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
Notes:
[1] "Lord, I Would Follow Thee" Hymns, no. 220
[2] John 15:13; emphasis added
[3] John 15:14-15; emphasis added
[4] Doctrine and Covenants 121:9–10
[5] "Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation: The U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community” (Office of the U.S. Surgeon General, 2023, p. 9)
[6] "Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation: The U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community” (Office of the U.S. Surgeon General, 2023, p. 24)
[7] World Health Organization (2023, November 15) Social isolation and loneliness affect people of all ages, worldwide.
[8] Marlin K. Jensen, “Friendship: A Gospel Principle” Ensign or Liahona, April 1999, 64
[9] “The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work” (Gottman, 2015, p. 21)
[10] John 15:12
[11] Gérald Caussé, “Ye Are No More Strangers” Ensign or Liahona, November 2013, 50
[12] Keith Moon, “The Power of Friendship,” Liahona, April 2024, Gospel Library
[13] Dieter F. Uchtdorf “Forget Me Not” Ensign or Liahona, October 2011, 120
[14] Seppala, Dr. Emma. (2014, May 8). The Scientific Benefits of Self-Compassion. Stanford Medicine Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education
[15] Gordon B. Hinckley, “A Challenging Time—a Wonderful Time,” Teaching Seminary: Preservice Readings [2004], 18
[16] Gordon B. Hinckley. “Rise to the Stature of the Divine within You,” Ensign or Liahona, November 1989, 98
[17] Psalm 147:3-5