A Triangle, Three Pillars, and Your Eternal Happiness
My wife mentioned in her introduction that I recently completed a book about our family. Reviewing almost thirty years of our family’s history reminded me over and over again what a privilege it is to be a husband and a father. I am a true believer in the English proverb “Children are a poor man’s riches.”
Let me share a few experiences:
One Sunday, I asked our three-year-old son Matthew what he had learned in nursery that day. He leaned forward and whispered, "About sharing . . . but don't tell Mom."
While I was serving in a bishopric, my seat on the stand was directly under a bright light. My already shiny forehead was made even shinier with the unsolicited help of this light. Six-year-old Adrian noticed and asked her grandma, "Why is my dad's head so shiny?" Grandma, trying to put a positive spin on the issue responded, "Well, sometimes when men are trying to live righteously they have a shiny countenance." Adrian thought about this briefly and then asked, "How come the bishop's head isn't shiny?"
Our oldest daughter Erin was telling us about some of the interesting things she was learning in her junior high Biology class. Her younger brother asked innocently, “Is that the class where you have to digest a frog?”
But children are good for more than just entertainment. I learned the value of praying for one’s enemies from my seven-year-old son Matthew. His prayer just after having been scolded by me went like this: "I'm thankful for my sisters, and I'm thankful for my brother, and I'm thankful for my mom. And please help me to love my dad even though he is driving me nuts!"
Important Lessons
There are some things I learned as a husband and father that I am not sure I could have learned any other way.
When our daughter Adrian was four years old, we were working in the backyard. I had asked her to do something three or four times without result. I lost my patience, raised my voice, and sternly repeated my instructions to her. With her head down, she sadly started in the direction of the house. Suddenly, she stopped, ran back, hugged my leg tightly, and said, “Even though you are being mean to me, I still love you.”
I suddenly understood with great clarity what the Savior meant when he said,
“Verily I say unto you, except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.”1
Agents that Act and Not Objects to be Acted upon
When our daughter Erin was in junior high, a hugely popular movie swept the country. It went on to win several major awards, and everyone was talking about it - including my daughter’s friends. Of course, Erin wanted to see the movie and begged to be allowed. I was aware of some inappropriate content and didn’t think it was a good idea. While struggling with this issue, I felt inspired to leave the decision to her. This was NOT something I was used to as a parent. She was our oldest, and so far, things had gone pretty well with the parents making all of the decisions!
We sat down at the computer together and read several reviews which described what kind of violence, sexuality, nudity, and profanity the movie contained. At first, she was defensive because she thought I was simply trying to pile on facts in order to further my side of the argument, but then I told her it would be her decision. She was as shocked as she was elated.
A few days later, she came to me and said, “Dad, I wish you had just told me ‘yes’ or ‘no’ about the movie. Now that it is my decision, it’s a lot harder.”
To her credit, Erin eventually decided not to see the movie. We both learned valuable lessons from this experience. I learned just why agency is so important to our Heavenly Father’s plan. My daughter learned that once we take responsibility for our choices, everything is different. Once we realize that we are “agents that act and not objects to be acted upon,” the game changes.2 Taking responsibility for our choices is a monumental step in spiritual maturity.
Vicarious Suffering
Not long ago, one of my daughters came home from a date. I heard the garage door open, the car pull in, and the garage door close, but strangely, I could still hear the car running. Since I know this can be dangerous, I went to the garage to investigate. When I opened the car door, I found my daughter hunched over the steering wheel sobbing. She had just experienced a heart-wrenching break up with someone she cared deeply about. It was so hard for me to see this. I wanted to crawl into the car, take her into my arms, and just hold her. But somehow, I instinctively knew that she needed to be alone for a time. I turned off the car, quietly closed the door, and went inside. As I sat in the living room agonizing from a distance, the thought came to me that I was then experiencing, to a small degree, what the Father must have felt as he watched His perfect Son suffer when He withdrew His spirit. It was a meaningful lesson for me and one I doubt I could have learned with as much power and clarity in any other way.
The Family is Ordained of God
Because of my experiences as a husband and father, I have come to appreciate what a genius Heavenly Father is. He allows us to not only be born into families and experience them as children but to create families ourselves and to experience them as parents. There is so much we can learn from our experiences as children, as spouses, and as parents!
Elder Bruce C. Hafen taught, “Marrying and raising children can yield the most valuable religious experiences of [our] lives.”3
I admit, it is scary to get married and to be responsible for children. It takes a tremendous amount of faith and courage. It requires commitment and maturity and patience and unselfishness and a whole list of other virtues, and frankly, most of us are not completely ready for it when it comes. But marriage and children provide a broader bandwidth of experiences than being single can ever provide. Because there are more people we love involved in a family, we become a lot more vulnerable. The highs are higher and the lows are lower.
Most of you are probably familiar with the American comedian Jim Gaffigan. He lives in New York with his wife and five children between the ages of ten and two. In a recent interview, he made the following observations4:
“[Parenting] changed me and continues to change me every day. … For me, parenting was literally a wake-up call from my own simple selfishness. In other words, I’m not quite as horrible as I used to be.”
“[Parenting is] similar to an internship; you’re not getting paid. What you’re getting out of it is an incredible skill set.”
“I don’t relish being exhausted and kind of overwhelmed, but the whole parenting thing is just amazing.”
By starting a family, you have the ability to design and create an eternal learning lab. No matter how wonderful or how dysfunctional the family you grew up in was, as an “agent that acts,” you can create whatever kind of family and home environment you choose. If you are already married and are wondering where all of the happiness is, be an “agent that acts” and fix it! Figure out what needs to be changed and start changing it! If you are single and are not having the success you are seeking, be an “agent that acts” and change something. Read more so you can become more interesting. Exercise more if that is needed. Join a service organization to stretch yourself and meet more people. Don’t passively wait to “fall” in love. Be proactive and purposeful!
Remember:
You are what you do;
You do what you choose;
If you don’t like what you are,
Then change what you do.5
I realize that not everyone has the opportunity to have a spouse and children. There are many who are single or childless whose hearts long for these experiences. As Sister Jennifer Lane taught us in her University Convocation address last week,6 “While [Heavenly Father] doesn’t cause everything to happen, He can consecrate everything that does happen for our gain.”7 I have great faith in Heavenly Father’s ability and willingness to compensate for these faithful souls in other miraculous and loving ways. But for those who are able to marry and have children, but are unwilling, or fearful, or selfish, there are great blessings being forfeited.
Whether you are in your own eternal family now or still “creating it spiritually,” it is important to know that the first, and most important factor in having a happy marriage is for God to be a part of it.
The Family: A Proclamation to the World makes it very clear:
“Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.”
Notice that none of these principles are exclusive to only those who are married. We can all practice the principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, and so on. Clearly, our success in marriage and family has as much to do with our relationship with God as it does our relationship with our spouse and children. A successful marriage, then, has more to do with becoming the right one than finding the right one.
A Triangle
In a worldwide leadership training meeting, Elder David A. Bednar introduced a model for describing a covenant marriage. Imagine a triangle with the Savior at the apex and a man and a woman at each of the other two corners. Notice what happens to their relationship as they both “come unto Christ.”8
At first glance, this may seem a little counter-intuitive. If someone wants to strengthen a relationship, shouldn’t they focus on their partner and those interactions rather than on a third party? Most often, the answer to that question is “yes,” but it is not “yes” if that third party is the Son of God. Bringing the Savior and His atoning power into a relationship magnifies everything good in it and allows what is not so good to be overcome and changed.
Let’s think about why Elder Bednar’s model works.
First, someone who is honestly working to become more like Christ is already accustomed to change. They accept that they have weaknesses and are humbly and steadily trying to improve. Would you rather be married to someone who is humble and willing to make positive changes or someone who is content with where they are and is only happy if everyone and everything else adapts to their needs and desires?
Second, the more Christ-like a person is, the easier they are to love. Who could not be compatible with someone who is as patient, loving, and unselfish as the Savior? Living with someone who is making an effort to become Christ-like will make a big difference in how happy you are. You don’t have to find the perfect person – just find someone who has perfection as their goal and is actively working to get there.
Finally, it is much easier to be “equally yoked together” with someone who is striving for the same goals that you are. While two people do not necessarily have to be alike in personality, hobbies, and personal preferences to have a happy marriage, it is much more difficult if their goals are not compatible.
In summary, for those already married, the triangle teaches us the key to a happy and successful marriage. For those still single, the triangle teaches that the best way to successfully marry is to become and to find someone who puts God first. While I do not believe in the fairy tale ending of “living happily ever after,” I testify that it is very possible to live “happily even after” – by putting God first in our lives.
Unfortunately, we probably all know some very good people who were married in the temple but who are now divorced. From the outside looking in, everything seemed to be right, and yet the marriage failed. Does that mean Elder Bednar’s model doesn’t really work?
The truth is there are a large number of reasons why marriages fail, and we have no right to judge whether they should or should not have, but one element of marriage that is hard to ignore is making a poor choice in the first place. While it is not impossible to overcome a poor choice with the principles we have discussed so far from the Family Proclamation and Elder Bednar, it is obviously harder than if a better choice had been made in the first place.
So how do we go about making the right choice?
Making a “Right Choice”
Let me start by saying that in most cases, I do not believe God will tell you whom to marry. It happens but is very rare. Because God values agency, He allows us to use our judgment to select the person we want to be with for eternity. He may send warning signals if we are about to make a poor choice, but in the end, He allows each of us to choose our eternal companion and then work to MAKE a celestial marriage with them. We can take comfort in this promise from President Boyd K. Packer:
“It is not expected that you go through life without making mistakes, but you will not make a major mistake without first being warned by the promptings of the Spirit. This promise applies to all members of the Church.”9
May I suggest one area where I believe young single adults are making a critical judgment error when it comes to selecting a mate?
Think for a minute about how couples typically get together. I have always been fond of this poem. (For those of you from warmer climates, this has to do with ice skating on a frozen pond):
Slippery ice, very thin;
Pretty girl, tumbles in.
Saw a fellow on the bank;
Gave a shriek, then she sank.
Boy on land, heard her shout.
Jumped right in, and pulled her out.
Now he’s her’s; very nice.
But first, she had to break the ice.10
The Three Pillars of a Relationship
What I am about to share is not a rigorously tested theory but rather simply some of my observations based a few prophetic principles. I think there are at least three pillars of a relationship we should be paying attention to. The first is physical. This is the reason most couples get close enough to one another to get together in the first place. I don’t think I need to spend much time explaining this one – especially to this group!
The second pillar is emotional. This pillar has to do with maturity level, intellect, interests, goals, hobbies, and personality. It involves questions like “Can you carry on a meaningful conversation? Do you share similar goals and aspirations? How do you feel about money and how it should be used? Can you communicate effectively? If you were not attracted to one another physically, would you still be friends?”
The third pillar is spiritual. This pillar is about faith, testimony, and commitment. This isn’t so much about what you know about the gospel but how you apply what you know. Do you put God and His kingdom first in your life? Are you faithful in your church responsibilities? How important is church attendance and temple worship? This pillar deals with application issues such as “Do you attend church meetings while you are on vacation? Is it okay to watch sporting events or movies on Sunday? Is it important to show up when it is your turn to clean the chapel?” In short, how compatible are you when it comes to applying gospel principles?
The problem with most relationships is that pillar number one can, and often does, grow much faster than the other two pillars. While the physical pillar can launch into orbit at breathtaking speeds, the other two take time. They cannot be rushed. As a result, pillar one can grow so quickly that the other two barely have a chance to get started before pillar one hits “the Mormon glass ceiling.” This is the point in the relationship where a couple starts brushing up against the limits of the Law of Chastity. There is still more pillar, but that progress is only supposed to be made by married couples.
There are only four options when this happens:
1) Try to hover just under the glass ceiling long enough to see what the other two pillars are going to look like.
2) Get married.
3) End the relationship.
4) Violate the Law of Chastity.
Let’s look at each of these.
Option One: Hovering
There are at least two problems with this choice. First, it is extremely difficult to hover. As Lowell Bennion observed,
“Kissing is more stimulating than satisfying; consequently, it invites more and more. Once a couple begins to share affection in a physical way, this activity tends to become the focus of interest. Often such a couple ceases to explore the other significant dimensions of personality: mind, character, maturity, religious faith, moral values, and goals.”11
Second, our bodies have been created by a wise Heavenly Father. God, in his wisdom, put powerful chemicals in our bodies to help shape our behavior. For example, women have a chemical called oxytocin that is released while breastfeeding that helps them to bond with their newborn child.12 (Oxytocin is sometimes called the “bonding chemical” or the “feel good chemical.”) Curiously, that same chemical is released in both men and women when they hug, kiss, or experience pleasant physical touch.13 Think of that! Heavenly Father provides a means for couples to actually grow closer to one another through physical contact. This is great news for spouses, but do you see the problem with bringing these bonding chemicals into play before you are a couple?
These “feel good chemicals” sometimes make us feel so good that they cloud our judgment about what we are truly seeing in a person’s behavior. We intentionally overlook or rationalize “red flag” behavior or character traits we might otherwise avoid. I am sure most of you know at least one person who has been in a bad relationship, the kind where everyone but the person in it can see it is a disaster? Those are usually the chemicals talking. Trust me. You do not want to make an oxytocin-induced decision that will affect you and your posterity for eternity!
Option Two: Get Married!
This works, if you are lucky. It could happen that after you are married, you will find that the person you were so physically attracted to also happens to have most of the other qualities you had hoped to find in a spouse. You may find that they think like you, have the same value system, are engaging and interesting to talk to, and have all of the other qualities you wanted in your eternal companion. But divorce statistics, even within the Church, indicate that there may be too many couples who take this option only to find that once they are married, they really aren’t all that compatible in pillars two and three. A person is then left to make the most of a bad situation (for eternity!) or worse – to end the marriage. The latter almost always comes at great personal heartache and pain; both to the couple and to the many other family members and friends involved.
Option Three: End the Relationship
This works from the standpoint of avoiding the dangers of “hovering” or making a poor marriage choice, but it also may mean that you are pushing off someone that may have been a great marriage choice had you taken the time to fully investigate pillars two and three. While this is a safer choice, it is also a poor long-term strategy. If you have to end every relationship prematurely, you should not expect to get married for a very long time.
Option Four: Violate the Law of Chastity
There has been ample written and said about the consequences of this choice, and many devotional and conference talks have addressed this topic. I will refer you to President and Sister Wheelwright’s Devotional address given at the beginning of Winter Semester (2014). May I just say that this is obviously the least desirable of the four choices because the physical, emotional, and spiritual consequences are so dire.
So what is the best option?
The best option is to avoid the glass ceiling altogether. By suppressing the growth of the physical pillar, the other two pillars – emotional and spiritual – have time to develop. That is the purpose of dating – to explore these two pillars. Suppressing pillar one allows you to patiently investigate pillars two and three with a clear head and to discover what these two pillars truly look like before making a decision that lasts for eternity.
Some of you are thinking right now “Are you seriously telling us not to kiss and cuddle with anyone until we are pretty sure we are serious about marriage?” Yes, I am. Why would you want to risk bonding with someone until you are sure you want to be bonded? That seems pretty logical.
It is not that kissing and cuddling are evil, but they have their proper time and place. When kissing is done as a tender expression of true affection between two people who are committed to one another, there is a chance it is being done out of love. Between two people who are still trying to decide whether they are committed to one another – it is lust. Motive matters!
President Spencer W. Kimball taught,
“Kissing has been prostituted and has degenerated to develop and express lust instead of affection, honor, and admiration. To kiss in casual dating is asking for trouble. What do kisses mean when given out like pretzels and robbed of sacredness?”14
Just remember friends first, lovers later.
Some mistakenly think that the only purpose for this kind of counsel is to keep them away from the danger zones of unmarried physical intimacy. They think that as long as they can stay in control, they can “hover” around the glass ceiling and not be harmed. But this behavior ignores the effect of the bonding chemicals on their decision making ability and the negative effect it has on their spiritual capacity to hear and heed the warnings about which President Packer promised. There is much more to it than just avoiding serious moral transgression.
Elder Richard G. Scott declared,
“Satan tempts one to believe that there are allowable levels of physical contact between consenting individuals who seek the powerful stimulation of emotions they produce, and if kept within bounds, no harm will result. As a witness of Jesus Christ, I testify that is absolutely false.”15
He goes on to say,
“When you are mature enough to plan seriously for marriage, keep your expressions of feelings to those that are comfortable in the presence of your parents.”16
The truth is true love cannot be found in pillar one until it has already been found in abundance in pillars two and three. The best way to find true, committed, eternal love, is to search diligently in pillars two and three. Remember what the prophet Alma taught his son Shiblon?
“Bridle all your passions that ye may be filled with love.”17
In the context of the three pillars – physical, emotional, and spiritual - I would like you to reconsider this paragraph from the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet. It is hopefully very familiar to you:
“When you are sexually pure, you prepare yourself to make and keep sacred covenants in the temple. You prepare yourself to build a strong marriage and to bring children into the world as part of an eternal and loving family. You protect yourself from the spiritual and emotional damage that come from sharing sexual intimacy outside of marriage. Remaining sexually pure helps you to be confident and truly happy and improves your ability to make good decisions now and in the future.”
Remember, these are promises made to you by prophets, seers, and revelators!
President Spencer W. Kimball once said that “right marriage begins with right dating.” Are you willing to pay the price to have a happy, healthy marriage that lasts forever? It may cost you a little thrill and self-gratification on the front end, but you will make a much better marriage choice and will have much more happiness in this world and in the world to come. It is the law of the harvest: if we want a greater blessing, we have to live a higher law.
Conclusion
I want to mention one other experience. Laurie said that I love being a grandfather, and that’s absolutely true. We just got back from a two-year stint at the Church Office Building at the Commissioner of Church Education office, and right after we relocated to Utah, our oldest daughter had her first child, which is our first grandchild. We were in the hospital, and after the baby was born, we were invited in. I had just finished four years as a young single adult ward bishop, so I had had a fair amount of experience with the issue that you might expect would come across the desk of a YSA ward bishop. As I walked into the room and saw my daughter and her husband holding this new baby, so fresh from our Heavenly Father’s presence in this perfect little body, ready to start her eternal journey here on the earth, the Spirit whispered to me, “This is why the Law of Chastity.”
It was a powerful experience for me. It’s so wonderful to watch two loving parents take a child and make efforts to teach them about the Gospel, the Savior, and Heavenly Father’s plan for them. Evie, our granddaughter, just turned two last week, and Erin told us that they were talking in Family Home Evening about the Savior. Evie stopped what she was doing for a moment and said, “Jesus. I like that guy.”
It’s wonderful to see you brothers and sisters making faithful decisions to have children and teach them the proper way so that they can return to their Heavenly Father. You will be so blessed, I promise, by making these sacrifices.
Be an agent that acts. If you don’t like where you are, change the things you do.
Married or single, follow the formula for successful families: “faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities” (including correct media choices).
Right marriage begins with right dating.
If you want a greater blessing, live a higher law.
In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
1. Matthew 18:3.
2. 2 Nephi 2:26-27.
3. Bruce C. Hafen in “Covenant Marriage” Ensign, Oct. 1996.
4. “An 'unlikely father of five': Comedian Jim Gaffigan talks about the rewards, challenges of parenting.” Deseret News, 24 Sept. 2014.
5. “You Are What You Do,” BYU Magazine, Summer 2014, 59.
6. Jennifer Lane, “The Habit of Curriculum,” BYU–Hawaii Convocation, September 2014.
7. 2 Nephi 2:2.
8. Moroni 10:32.
9. Boyd K. Packer, “Counsel to Youth,” Ensign, Nov. 2011.
10. Source Unknown.
11. Excerpted from Lowell Bennion, "Q&A," New Era, Feb. 1971, 5–6.
12. See http://ucsdnews.ucsd.edu/archive/newsrel/health/02-08LoveHormone.asp and “What Causes Moms and Kids to Bond?” http://www.livescience.com/8216-moms-kids-bond.html.
13. Ibid.
14. The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, 281.
15. Richard G. Scott, “Making the Right Choices” Ensign, Nov. 1994, 38.
16. Ibid.
17. Alma 38:12.