We’ve all heard the childhood rhyme -- “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” But some words do, and sometimes the hurt lasts a lifetime. From early childhood, our parents taught and expected us to be polite, have good manners and never to use unkind language, even in disagreements with our siblings. Our mom would often have us quote Thumper the rabbit from the movie Bambi when he timidly said, “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothin’ at all.”
Unfortunately, our society has either forgotten Thumper’s message, or they’ve never seen the movie Bambi to learn that important lesson because the world is becoming more and more rude.
On Feb 12 of this year, Danny Wallace wrote an online article for TIME which describes our current situation pretty accurately: [Here’s the Perfect Thing to Say When Someone Is Rude] – We find ourselves living at a time of increased rudeness. Social media has taught the world it needs to have an opinion, on everything and at all times, and that this opinion must be delivered in a forthright way, so we seem assured, confident and smart. Reality television has taught us to celebrate meanness, so long as the meanness is delivered as “honesty” – an awful get-out clause designed by the truly rude so they can say truly rude things and then expect us all to applaud them for it. Studies have shown that rudeness spreads quickly and virally, almost as quickly as the common cold. When someone is rude to us, it sparks the urge to be rude in return.
We’ve all witnessed these reactions on the roadways. Someone gets cut-off and the offended driver responds by tailing them too closely, makes an obscene gesture or comment, or, cuts them off later. We’ve seen increased incidences on the airlines recently – all broadcast instantly on social media which further fuels emotions. We’ve seen rudeness between athletes and even fans at sporting events, on TV reality shows whose ratings thrive on incivility. Sadly, one of the worst mediums where we’ve come to expect the right to mean behavior is on social media. It’s become the norm in our society to “dish it right back” when someone is rude to you. They deserve to get a taste of their own medicine, right? How often have we heard or read the phrase “Sorry. Not Sorry”? As if saying that justifies our impolite responses.
There was a time when it was inconceivable to disrespect your elders, women or children by using profanity around them. You just NEVER did that! Now, vulgar language has become increasingly common without regard for others within ear shot. People who aren’t even angry use filthy curse words in their daily conversations, completely unaware of how offensive it is because it has become the norm. How sad for us all.
In Pres Hinckley’s popular book “Standing For Something” he calls this increased trend towards rudeness as “Our Fading Civility” and dedicated an entire chapter of his book to this neglected virtue which he says “will heal our hearts and homes.” I’m going to be quoting often from Pres Hinckley’s book but I would still recommend you read, or re-read his wise counsel given in “Standing For Something”.
So what is civility? Pres Hinckley says it “covers a host of matters in how one human being relates to another with basic human kindness and goodness. Civility requires us to restrain and control ourselves, and at the same time to act with respect toward others. Civility carries with it the essence of courtesy, politeness and consideration of others. All of the education and accomplishments in the world will not count for much unless they are accompanied by gentleness, of respect for others, with courtesy and appreciation and maturity, toward our fellow men.
Civility is the godly virtue of reaching out with respect and kindness. It is a virtue we should admire, acquire and cultivate daily if we want to make our family, our neighborhood, our work or school place and the world a happier and more peaceful place to be in.
Columnist Lynne Agress, wrote an online article [Mar 12, 2015] titled – Is civility a lost art? In it, she wrote – “I am not sure how many … schools and colleges promote civility, which seems especially necessary today, considering the instances of excessive bullying we now know about that caused more than one picked-on student to commit suicide.” She goes on further to say, “The offensive habit of answering a cell phone or text message in mid-conversation, during an appointment, during meals, during meetings or classes is yet another timely example of incivility. When we live among others, we must be aware of them.” Good manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others.
Ms. Agress would be pleased to know that BYU-Hawaii expects and actively promotes civility, but are we actively admiring and acquiring habits of civility for ourselves?
Pres. George Washington, the first president of the United States, was known in his early life for his hot temper, so he worked to overcome his weakness by studying a translated version of a French book of etiquette from the 16th century. He would copy each of the etiquette rules into his personal notebook to ponder and work on until he was able to master and control his reactions to be more desirable.
Orrin Hatch is the current senator for Utah and is the longest-serving Republican Senator in US history. He also happens to be one of my dad’s college buddies when they attended BYU Provo. In an article he wrote just last June, he declared “I Am Re-Committing to Civility”. This was the result of the rapid erosion of civility he was noticing in politics and in society. Civility is supposed to be the norm in American politics. Although it is not mandated in the Constitution, it is essential to the proper functioning of a democratic government. He noted that we needed to act “to make the necessary changes – in ourselves, in our families and in our communities – that will lead to a more civil, prosperous society.” Concerned about the ever-widening gap between political parties, he asks the question “How can we expect to engage politically with members of the opposing party if we don’t even interact socially with one another? Only associating with those who hold our same values and opinions distorts our perception of the other side.” He expressed gratitude to the late Senator Ted Kennedy, a well-respected Democrat who taught him that the bonds of friendship are stronger than party loyalty. Besides political party differences, they had other differences. Ted was born into privilege. Orrin raised in poverty. Ted was an East Coast liberal; Orrin a Reagan conservative. Ted was Catholic; Orrin a Mormon. Yet, over and over again they were able to look past their differences to find areas they could agree and work on together. Sen Hatch noted “Had Teddy and I chosen party loyalty over friendship, we would not have passed some of the most significant bipartisan achievements of modern times – from the Americans with Disabilities Act and the Religious Freedom Restoration Act” to name a couple. Like George Washington, he too wanted to make a personal commitment to exercise greater civility in day-to-day interactions with fellow Americans. You accomplish more when there is kindness and respect in an environment that is positive and constructive.
Here’s a personal story of how to be civil when there’s extreme opposing views. A few short years ago when Hawaii was debating whether Same Sex Marriage should be legalized, many of us from Laie all went to the state capitol to testify, rally and do whatever we could to convince law makers to kill the bill. As you can imagine, there were huge crowds on both sides who were very passionate about their position but do you know what helped us to maintain our civility? Standing among the opposition holding their rainbow colored flags and chanting “Yes to Same Sex Marriage” were some of our very own friends and family members from this community. We loved them. They loved us so why would we want to be uncivil towards each other and let this matter divide us permanently? At the end of each day, or during our breaks, we would get together and take photos with our opposing signs and laugh about it because we knew we would be seeing each other back in Laie, Kahuku and Hauula. We didn’t agree with each other but that didn’t mean we had to be enemies. At the end of the day, it’s nice to be able to look each other in the eye and know we’re still friends.
So how can we cultivate civility in an ever-increasing environment of incivility?
The first step is to speak responsibly. Our words have consequences and in today’s world, those words last forever, especially if they’re recorded in some way and posted on social media for everyone to view or hear over and over again.
In Proverbs 15:1 it reads – “A soft answer turneth away wrath; But grievous words stir up anger.” Such simple counsel. The most effective way to break the vicious cycle of rudeness is to follow the Golden Rule and keep your cool, bite your tongue, or stop your fingers from typing and avoid being rude in return.
Pres Hinckley said in the June Ensign of 1971: “We seldom get into trouble when we speak softly. It is only when we raise our voices that the sparks fly and tiny molehills become great mountains of contention”.
Combatting rudeness is a cycle we can break, by committing to let meanness end with me.
Last year, a group of employees were frustrated with one of their co-workers who was constantly mocking and finding subtle ways to insult another employee just for the fun of it. After weeks of this, one employee was finally brave enough to step up and say “Just stop. Be nice and leave him alone” And she said this with grace. I was told that she handled it without a trace of aggression and without being rude herself. And it worked. Her fellow workers were grateful to her for taking a stand because they admitted they were uncomfortable with the rude behavior of their co-worker but didn’t know how to stop his behavior without being confrontational. Because we can choose to be civilized, we can choose to be civil.”
What does the Golden Rule state in Matthew 7:12 “Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them:” The simple lesson is to treat others the way you want to be treated. There is a primary song many of us have learned that goes like this – “I want to be kind to everyone, for that is right you see. So I said to myself remember this, kindness begins with me.”
Pres Hinckley said, “Imagine how our own families, let alone the world, would change if we…strengthened one another, looked for and accentuated the virtues in one another, and speak graciously concerning one another. Imagine the combined effect if we treated each other with respect and acceptance. Such interactions practiced on a small scale would surely have a rippling effect throughout our homes and communities and, eventually, society at large.”
If values aren’t established and practiced by those who lead families, corporations, a society or a nation, then behavior by their followers are in jeopardy because the values being neglected will in time disappear.
How can we bring civility and respect back into our values, and teach it to our kids and make it part of our culture? We can look to the Japanese for our answer.
Japanese are taught from birth to respect each other. The Japanese believe politeness engenders order, safety and cleanliness. A polite society is a caring society. The Oxford Dictionary defines politeness as “having or showing behavior that is respectful or considerate of other people”.
This is so typical of the Japanese. Respect is the backbone of their culture, and it’s ingrained in their rituals and traditions. They are raised to think of others before self and to do it with humility. Being bowed to as you leave any establishment, even sitting on the 200 mile/hour bullet train, and having the train conductor bow to you as he leaves the cabin, is really a humbling experience. It reminds us of how we should be treating one another. If we respected each other, would we feel the need to commit acts of violence on each other? Would we have such high rates of criminal activity, more so than other first world countries? The answer is an obvious no.
A few years ago at PCC, one of our Vice Presidents whom we affectionately refer to as Uncle David Hannemann presented a training on “Christlike Communication” to our whole division as a way to improve customer service and to enrich the work experience between employees. His training is so applicable to cultivating civility.
Christlike Communication helps us strive to build righteous relationships with each other and our communication is at the core of our relationships with one another. We must pay attention not only to what we communicate, but how we do so. People can be strengthened or shattered by the message and the manner in which we communicate. Criticism and anger destroy relationships.
Negative criticism is a plan to hurt and often to defame and destroy relationships.
Anger is a lack of self-control. It is the inability to relate in a righteous way to others and is a selfish plan to gain control of a relationship. Anger causes suffering to the souls of all those who experience the feeling as well as to those who are the recipients of this emotional explosion that sometimes results in profane language. Those who routinely resort to filthy, crude language only expose the limitations of their vocabulary and a glaring weakness in their powers of expression. Civility invites the ability to speak, to converse, to communicate effectively. Profanity wounds the spirit and demeans the soul.
Aliimau Toelupe is a retired PCC employee who use to supervise the Ticketing Box Office and would oftentimes be the individual who met with unhappy guests to try and resolve their issues. If a guest resorted to swearing while lodging their complaint, Aliimau would “Just Stop” them by firmly saying – “Sir/Ma’am, I will not assist you if you continue to use profanity. If you want respect, please show respect”. Most times, it worked and the customer would calm down to explain why they were unhappy. When it didn’t work, Aliimau would tensely wait and say “Sir/Ma’am, when you’re ready to address me without swearing, I will assist you.”
Christlike communication lists the following methods to uplift, bless and improve the lives of everyone –
1. Communicate with AFFECTION, not ANGER
Before signing Jackie Robinson to play for the Dodgers in 1945, the general manager, Branch Rickey, made it very clear that: “I’m looking for a ballplayer with guts enough not to fight back.” Rickey was looking for an individual who was both a great athlete and a ‘gentleman.’ He needed someone with the inner-strength and self-restraint to withstand intense hostility and aggression without becoming reactive. Robinson was able to realize that ‘not fighting back’ was the ultimate testament of his courage.
2. Communicate with TRUTH, not FABRICATION
Proverbs 6:16-19 lists seven things the Lord hates and it’s quite interesting that three of these things – lying, bearing false witness, and sowing discord – apply to the words we speak. The Lord is very concerned with the words we speak and expects us to communicate with the intention to bind together rather than to drive apart. If you are guilty of any of these in your speech, “Just Stop”! Pres Hinckley wisely counsels that “Sloppy language and sloppy ways go together. Those who are truly educated have learned more than the science, humanities and the arts. They carry with them a certain polish that marks them as loving the better qualities of life, the culture that adds luster to the mundane world of which they are a part of.” They display the qualities of genuine ladies and gentlemen.
3. Communicate with COMPASSION, not CONTENTION
Proverbs 16:24 says that “pleasant words are an honeycomb, sweet to the soul.” Everyone appreciates receiving compliments. Just ponder for a moment as to how have the kind words of others helped you? When was the last time you paid someone a compliment? How did it make them feel? In the movie "Wonder" about a young boy with a disfigured face who struggles with being accepted, R.J. Palacio, the author of the story renders a thought-provoking quote about compassion or kindness when she said “When given the choice between being right and being kind. Choose kind." Sometimes, being right is not the kindest thing to do.
4. Communicate with RESPECT, not RIDICULE
I had a co-worker several years ago who was legendary for sending out scathing emails. If this person didn’t agree with something you did or wrote, you could count on a venomous email being sent to you. My initial reaction was to reply with more venom and sometimes I did but it never solved the problem, it only escalated it and strained my working relationship with this person and made me feel guilty for allowing myself to react negatively. When I sought counsel from my very wise boss, he told me not to reply to those emails but to go and meet face-to-face with my co-worker. The next time I received a blistering email from my co-worker, I went to their office and calmly asked if I could meet with them regarding the concerns they had emailed about. And you know what? A miracle happened. My co-worker quickly apologized for the tone of their email and said they had over-reacted and regretted sending the email. We were able to calmly discuss the concerns and resolved them rather quickly in front of each other. When I received similar emails again, I would go to their office and every single time, their tone was more patient and non-combative than they were in their email text. It’s much easier to belittle and contend with someone if you don’t have to look at them while doing so. It is more noble and civil to respond with the Golden Rule in mind.
Another step is to,
5. Communicate as COUNSEL, not CRITICISM
As a parent, I’ve failed many times with this but the Lord is giving me a second chance to do it better by blessing us with grandchildren so we can counsel instead of criticizing them and be able to guide and coach their parents to become a better parent than I was. And lastly,
6. Communicate to CORRECT, not to CONDEMN
This is the fundamental difference between just a coach and an effective, motivating coach.
Now that we know the steps for Christlike communication, here are 4 ways we can deliver and express them in an uplifting way.
1st - We express in love rather than loudness
2nd - We should be helpful rather than hurtful
3rd - We should communicate with the intention to bind together rather than to drive apart.
4th - We should communicate with the intention to build rather than to belittle.
We all know that the ultimate example of civility is Jesus Christ. In 1 Nephi 19:9 it is recorded that “wherefore they scourge him, and he suffereth it; and they smite him, and he suffereth it; Yea, they spit upon him, and he suffereth it, because of his loving kindness and his long-suffering towards the children of men.” Don’t allow the world to dictate how you behave. Be humble. Be civil. Follow the example of our Savior. We can acquire mental calmness, composure, evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation like Christ did many times in His life. When you notice someone being civil in a rude situation, compliment and support them. Stand up for goodness.
Greg Maples, who is the Director of PCC’s Hukilau Marketplace has a quote on his email auto signature that reads “When you can be anything in the world, Be Kind.” And those of you who know Greg can testify that he portrays kindness always. What a wonderful example he is to so many of us.
I testify that we CAN have a positive influence on those around us as we try to be civil. Contribute good to the world and let it be a better place because of your presence. In all our speech, our posts, our actions – let us admire and acquire civility in our personal effort to prevent it from fading away. Like Sen. Orrin Hatch, let's re-commit to civility!
In the name of Jesus Christ, our great exemplar, Amen.